Choices

"You can eat all of that food or you can go to your room, young lady."

 Which would you choose?

"You can get to that office now or I can call your mother." Hmm, decisions, decisions.

In either case, there is not much of a choice given.

"You better decide now or it's not going to be pretty around here."

Sadly, these are the kinds of options that kids, particularly those with behavior issues already, face every day.  No matter how they choose, they lose. There is no positive choice.

But what if we changed these scenarios.

"You have a choice. You can eat your beans first or your potatoes first. Which do you choose?"  

"It's time to go to the office. You have a choice. You can walk with me or you can walk ahead.  Which do you choose?"  

At this point, either keep eating or start walking and let them make a choice.  They now have two positive options, both of which get the result the adult was looking for in the first place.

Offering two positive choices give kids a chance to practice decision making and have some control over the situation.  It also allows the adult to focus on the positive response they wanted from the beginning while teaching the child the skill of decision making. For this to work, however, two things must happen. First, you have to give the child some time to make a choice.  This may take some time. Be patient.  If they don't choose, repeat the choices without sounding angry. Second, both choices have to be positive for the child.  If one is positive and one is negative or both are negative, it comes across a threat.

So, let's revisit the above situations. You've just given the child a choice between eating their beans or potatoes first. After a few moments, they start eating their beans.  At this point, it is time to notice them and reinforce their decision.

You chose to eat your beans first.   

In the second scenario, the child goes ahead of you and makes it to office before you arrive. As soon as you get there, acknowledge their choice: You chose to walk ahead of me.  

While it may seem simple, giving two positive choices can alleviate many of the power struggles that adults face with kids every day.  Also, if a student is upset, it can help them become calm by giving them options and some control over those options.

Are two positive choices always necessary?  Of course not.  If a student is following directions, then there may be no need for choices.  If a student is in a fight or flight state and unable to make a choice, then an assertive command will be necessary.  In case of an emergency, choices could be dangerous.  For example, during a fire, the only choice is to get out of the building through the safest route possible.

Giving two positive choices is a powerful tool in our arsenal to use to avoid power struggles and teach kids to develop decision making.

For a more thorough discussion of the concept of choices, watch the video below from Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline series.