Choices

"You can eat all of that food or you can go to your room, young lady."

 Which would you choose?

"You can get to that office now or I can call your mother." Hmm, decisions, decisions.

In either case, there is not much of a choice given.

"You better decide now or it's not going to be pretty around here."

Sadly, these are the kinds of options that kids, particularly those with behavior issues already, face every day.  No matter how they choose, they lose. There is no positive choice.

But what if we changed these scenarios.

"You have a choice. You can eat your beans first or your potatoes first. Which do you choose?"  

"It's time to go to the office. You have a choice. You can walk with me or you can walk ahead.  Which do you choose?"  

At this point, either keep eating or start walking and let them make a choice.  They now have two positive options, both of which get the result the adult was looking for in the first place.

Offering two positive choices give kids a chance to practice decision making and have some control over the situation.  It also allows the adult to focus on the positive response they wanted from the beginning while teaching the child the skill of decision making. For this to work, however, two things must happen. First, you have to give the child some time to make a choice.  This may take some time. Be patient.  If they don't choose, repeat the choices without sounding angry. Second, both choices have to be positive for the child.  If one is positive and one is negative or both are negative, it comes across a threat.

So, let's revisit the above situations. You've just given the child a choice between eating their beans or potatoes first. After a few moments, they start eating their beans.  At this point, it is time to notice them and reinforce their decision.

You chose to eat your beans first.   

In the second scenario, the child goes ahead of you and makes it to office before you arrive. As soon as you get there, acknowledge their choice: You chose to walk ahead of me.  

While it may seem simple, giving two positive choices can alleviate many of the power struggles that adults face with kids every day.  Also, if a student is upset, it can help them become calm by giving them options and some control over those options.

Are two positive choices always necessary?  Of course not.  If a student is following directions, then there may be no need for choices.  If a student is in a fight or flight state and unable to make a choice, then an assertive command will be necessary.  In case of an emergency, choices could be dangerous.  For example, during a fire, the only choice is to get out of the building through the safest route possible.

Giving two positive choices is a powerful tool in our arsenal to use to avoid power struggles and teach kids to develop decision making.

For a more thorough discussion of the concept of choices, watch the video below from Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline series.

You never know

Last Sunday morning, I was visiting with a consultant who helps mentor and train pre-service teachers for an area university.  While we were talking in the church office, a veteran teacher walked in.  The consultant stopped, looked at her, and said, "I need to tell you something." He proceeded to tell how one of his pre-service teachers shared that the reason she wanted to teach was because she had struggled in school, had poor behavior, and didn't feel like her teachers cared about her.  But there was this one teacher in 4th grade who did care.  This teacher loved her, but also pushed her hard when she didn't want to work. She told how this lady would even come to her house, sit at her kitchen table, and make sure she was learning. "It's because of her that I want to be a teacher,"

Tears were beginning to form in my eyes as I listened to this story, but I was stunned when my consultant friend looked in the veteran teacher's eyes and said, "You were that teacher." As he shared the girl's name, a light shone in her eyes.  "Oh, yes, I remember her.  We went round and round, but I refused to give up. I'm so glad she is doing well."

As educators, we may never see the real impact that we have on our students.  It could be years later before the fruits of our labor come to fruition.  But, we do have an impact, for good or ill.
Each day, we need to focus on giving our best to every student and not accepting less than their best, no matter how hard that is to accomplish.  It will be worth it if we don't give up.

Curious George and the power of adult action

I've never read a Curious George book.  This thought struck me recently.  My son and I went to see the movie and watched the TV show on PBS, but I never read the books. They just weren't for me, I would say.  After reflecting, I realized the probable reason.

Let's take a trip back to 1971.  An excited 1st grader walks with his class into his first book fair with money burning a hole in his pocket.  The book fair was held in the music room because the library wasn't big enough.  As this little boy enters, his eyes move around the room, filled with stacks of books larger than he's ever seen.  There are books everywhere.  As an beginning reader, it is like a candy store of words, waiting to be tasted.  Glancing to the right, he sees a table with several books that he recognizes from his aunt's house. Curious George. He has heard his aunt talk about the silly monkey during his visits. The little boy quickly makes a bee line to the table.  As he is quietly thumbing through the first one, marveling at the pictures of the man in yellow and the little monkey, a gruff adult voice comes from behind.  "Those aren't for you," the woman said.  "You need to get a book from over here."  The little boy dutifully walks to where he is directed and with no enthusiasm, picks out a book from "his" table.  He doesn't remember the name of the book he got that day, but he does remember that Curious George wasn't "for him."  At least that was the excuse he used when given the opportunity to read the H.A. and Margret Rey classics.

I can still remember that scene clearly.  The woman who directed me to the other table and told me those books weren't for me was probably just a volunteer doing what she was told.  But for the next 45 years, I did not read a Curious George book.

Adults have great power in the lives of children.  As an educator, I am often reminded of the need to build them up and encourage them, not take the wind out of their sails.  They come to school each day, eager to learn and grow.  They want to be challenged and to make choices on their own, As the adults in their lives, we are charged with guiding them and helping them to grow in a loving, nurturing environment where they can safely take chances.  In order to do this, we have to carefully monitor our own words and actions, always aware of the potential long term consequences.

Did this Curious George incidence turn me into a non-reader?  No. I usually read 20+ books a year.  Did it have dire effects on my psyche? I hope not.  But it was powerful enough for me to remember the details years later and to miss the chance to enjoy some of the world's most famous children's literature.

Now, I'm heading to the library because it's never too late to start.

The "bad" kids?

Recently, during a training on stages of behavior, a teacher commented to the group that the kids she  was about to work with in ISS were "bad."  She went to on to tell how they just didn't care how they acted and there was not much she could do about it. The trainer moved on after this and I didn't get to talk with her as she left quickly.  Maybe that opportunity will arise later.  If I I ever do have that chance, here is what I would say:

"I understand where you are coming from.  At one time, I thought the same thing.  I believed that there were the good kids who rarely got into trouble, the kids who were annoying but not to the point of disruption, and then there were the "bad" kids.  I always hated to see those kids in my class because I thought they just didn't care.  Over time and lots of experience, though, I learned that none of that is true.  The kids who are acting out care just as much as the ones who behave all the time.  Their acting out is simply a cry for help, a way to say "I'm having problems but I don't know how to express this any other way."  These kids need caring adults who are willing to take the time to recognize their cries for help, build relationships with them, and then teach them ways to respond appropriately.    They need people who are willing to see beyond their behavior to the person underneath.  Until that happens, nothing will change.  In the role you are in now, you have many opportunities to be that person."

As an administrator, I spend countless hours just listening to kids who are sent to me because they have been disrupting class.  I see this not as an opportunity for punishment, but as a chance to hear their side of the story and then teach and practice different ways to act in the same situation.  Are there consequences when a student has been behaving inappropriately? Of course, because in life there are always consequences.  I just try to focus on natural consequences whenever possible.

It is funny how time and experience change our perceptions.  For me, it was the difference I saw in  kids after they left junior high and entered high school.  They matured and began to make better choices.  Many of the so called "bad" kids that I had as students earlier in my career are now successful adults. In fact, I have had a number apologize to me for their behavior.  Now that I am on the primary campus, I have many of my former students children.  I see them working hard to be good parents and am thankful that I and my colleagues didn't give up on them so many years ago.

As a primary school administrator, I have the opportunity to help kids develop the skills they need to be successful in the years to come.  I can think of no greater blessing than being able to see these children in junior high and beyond making great choices because they learned how when they were in kindergarten and first grade.

But, I've strayed from my point a bit.  So, to reiterate, every child wants to be successful. None really want to be the "bad" kid.  As educators, we must do everything we can to help all kids learn the skills they need to be productive citizens. When they make bad choices (everybody does), we need to resist the urge to label them and instead take the time to listen and be there to guide them along.  In doing so, we will help them become the best they can be.

Magic Words

The Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."  As educators, we need to take this to heart and choose our words carefully, as they can either exacerbate or diffuse a situation.  Through the years, I've learned several words and phrases that seem to work like magic in dealing with others.  There is nothing special about any of these, but when spoken with sincerity can change a situation for the better.  Below are several these "magic words."  Try them and see what happens.

1) "Now..." - Have you ever watched a child's face when you say something like, "You did steps 1 to 3 exactly right, BUT you didn't do step 4."  It almost seems to suck the life out of them.  It is though you are saying, "You did good, just not good enough."  Imagine replacing that "but" or "however" with "Now."  "You did steps 1 to 4 exactly right, NOW start on step 4." For whatever reason, that one word "Now" seems to turn a negative into a positive.  When I first learned this, I decided to test it.  On the tough kids.  In detention, no less.  Every day, I assigned a reflective writing prompt.  The kids would write a sentence and then balk.  One day, I told a boy, after he written a single sentence, "That is a great start, now write about what you do next."  To my amazement, he did.  He wrote two more sentences.  I repeated this several times until he had a page written. Then, after looking at the page, I said, "Now, read it again and underline any corrections you need to make or anything that doesn't really make sense."  He did.  This continued until he had written a very strong reflection.

2) "I'm sorry that happened." -  These four words have changed the way I address people when they bring problems my way.  Anytime someone comes to me with a problem situation, my first words are "I'm sorry that happened."  And I am.  It may be that I empathize with the person. It could also be because this problem brought an irate person into my otherwise peaceful day.  Either way, these four words, said with conviction, will reduce tension and help bring the person to your side.

3) "How can I help?" - When people know that you are really listening to their concerns and are willing to invest in them, they are much more willing to work with you.  I use these magic words when people bring a real concern to me, as compared to a string of complaints.

4)  What do you think?  - Asking for people's opinion or advice let's them know you think they are important.  It may also lead to a better solution to a problem.

5) "We..." - There is strength in working together with others. When you use the word "I," the focus is on you.  When you use the word "we," the focus is on all of us.

6) "Your child... " - Many educators use the term, "your student" when talking to parents about their kids.  For whatever reason, that sounds impersonal.  "Your child," however, brings it closer to home.  It also lets parents know that you see their child as more than just a name on a roll sheet and seems to open a door to more effective communication.

7)  "Can/will you help me?" - I don't know about you, but when someone seeks out my help, I am flattered.  It is a self-esteem builder and a great ego booster.  It also shows that you can't do everything and need others to be successful.

One word of caution:  While the words and phrases above are useful in working with others, they must be used with a tone of caring.  If not, they will come across as insincere and often hurtful.

What "magic words" do you use?  Please feel free to add them in the comments.

Tending the garden

Last week, I planted a tomato plant.  Actually, I planted two as a meager attempt to get back into gardening.  As I was putting them in the ground, it occurred to me that, as an educator, my job is very much like gardening.  I don't mean that it's dirty work, although that's sometime true.  Instead, the work of an educator is like tending to the seeds in a garden.  If you've ever planted a garden, you know that the first step is to prepare the soil, often removing weeds and tilling up the good dirt.  You might also add fertilizer.  Then, you make your rows or mounds to ensure the plants have room to grow.  Third, you plant the seeds in the soil and water them.  After that, the next few days or weeks are spent watering the seeds and watching as they grow.  Over time, after continued watering, weed pulling, and pest killing, you can finally collect the harvest.  If you don't do these steps, chances are the plants will either not grow or they will not bear fruit.

In the same way, the children who walk into our schools and classrooms are like the plants in a garden.  Some are seeds, just waiting to sprout.  Others are already in various stages of growth and need our help to keep them on the right path.  Some have come in with soil preparation already underway.  Others are trying to grow in a patch of weeds. Some receive water every day.  Others are still waiting for someone to turn on the hose.  Some are healthy and bearing fruit already.  Others are stunted.  Some are in perfect soil.  Others may need to be transplanted to grow.  The funny thing is, on the outside, they all look like kids.  It is our job to build relationships strong enough so that we can see where they are in their growth. Then, like a gardner, we have to provide the necessary support to help them grow.  That support will rarely be the same for every child.  Some will need more time and effort to grow than others.  Some might not even sprout during their time with us.  It doesn't matter though.  Each one can grow. We must choose to never give up on them, but keep nurturing until they finally grow into the people they were created to be.  

Observation Day

Recently, I've been doing a lot of formal teacher observations.  Throughout the year I do multiple short walkthroughs (though never enough), so I already know what to expect.  The formal is really putting icing on the cake and an enjoyable learning experience for me.  It always surprises me when these mostly veteran teachers share with me how nervous they are during observations.  Maybe it is because our district does not allow for prior notice, but I think it is just a natural reaction to being observed.

As I reflect on my own classroom experience, I remember that I usually enjoyed being observed.  It wasn't that I relished an audience (though that is partially true), it was more that it gave my students a chance to show off.  As a Science teacher, at least part of each class was lab-based and my observer would rarely just sit.  More often than not, they ended up interacting with students just as I was and became learners themselves.

Still, knowing that someone can enter the room to observe at any time means that you have to be on your A-game every day, every class, every lesson.   Pondering that thought made me realize this important truth:  Teachers are observed every day.  Not by administration, but by children.  Young faces are watching our every move and determining if we are worthy of their time.  They are judging the lessons we deliver and making decisions about whether they will learn what we present.  There are future teachers in our midst who may be developing their own style based on what they see in us. Whether we like it or not, what we as teachers do every day is on display.

So, let's treat every day as observation day.  It will keep us on our A-game and let us do what is best for kids.

Blogging into 2015-Day 3: Meaningful and enjoyable

Today is an extension of yesterday's post about what a teacher can accomplish in 10 minutes or less.  I watched a classroom this morning and was amazed at the level of learning taking place.  This was a 2nd grade class and the topic was adding or subtracting by 100's.  The teacher had already taught the lesson and the students were divided into small groups to have a competition of sorts. A problem was written on the board and groups had a set amount of time to work together to solve it.  When the timer went off, the teacher called one group to the board to show how they solved the problem.  But, not only did they have to write it, they also had to explain to the class why their answer was correct and the process they used to get it.  While the group was working at the board writing their response, the teacher was working the room, questioning the other students.  When the group at the board was ready, they explained their response and the other groups were able to ask them questions.  Once it was determined that their answer and explanation were acceptable, they got a point.  Then the process repeated  During the eight minutes I was in the room, I did not see a single off-task student.  In fact, they were eager to demonstrate their understanding.  In addition, I watched these students rise to the challenge even when a difficult problem was presented. (They all groaned when they had to solve using a number line).  

Students will think at higher cognitive levels when the task is both meaningful and enjoyable .  Great teachers know this and develop lessons that create such an atmosphere.  The class described above was not quiet nor were they sitting still. They were moving and talking and thinking.  And, most importantly, they were learning.

Blogging into 2015-Day 2: In just ten minutes....

Over the past two years, I've had the privilege of observing numerous teachers and classrooms.  Many of these observations last no more than five to ten minutes.  Yet, for those few minutes, in effective teachers classrooms at least, there is more occurring than one can successfully document.  In just a few short minutes, teachers can make numerous instructional decisions, vary activities several times, and interact one-on-one with every student in the classroom.  In one ten minute span, I watched a colleague teach a mini-lesson, use quick formative assessment to gauge understanding, start a group activity to reinforce the lesson, and then visit each group asking probing, higher order questions. All the while, they were monitoring every other group from a distance and silently correcting behavior with just a glance.  This is not a one time event, but a daily occurrence.  

Effective teachers read their students needs and make adjustments as necessary.  They are attuned to what is happening in the class and fit the lesson to the students, not the other way around.  They are protective of instructional time and use it wisely.  A strong teacher can pack what feels like hours of learning into just one ten minute stretch.  I would challenge anyone in any other business to use ten minutes as effectively as a great teacher.  I bet you can't.