The Great Connector

This subject of this post has nothing to do with being an educator.  At the same time, it has everything to do with it.  This post is about food.  Namely, the connecting power of food.  Since 1998, I've either visited or lived in 10 countries outside of the United States.  In most of these, I had the chance to spend time with local families, often in their homes.  I also observed lots of westerners, particularly Americans, during these visits.  Most of these travelers stayed at 5 star hotels and ate at the best restaurants.  In contrast, my wife and I stayed in homes or cheap hotel rooms near the city centre and usually ate with families or in the local eating spots, particularly night markets.

It makes a difference. If you are just in a place to sightsee, eat wherever you like. If you want to connect with people, eat with them and, even more importantly, eat what they eat.  I can't count the relationships that I have made with people simply because I was willing to sit in their home and eat what they had cooked.  It was always amusing to see people grin and comment about how you really liked their food. It was honoring to them, just as it is honoring to have a guests eat at my own home.  It brings joy to both the giver and receiver.

For many people, eating unknown food is scary.  I've seen people who were literally afraid to eat what others had carefully prepared.  One fellow who traveled with us for a time loaded his suitcase with beef jerky so he didn't have to eat local food.  On a home visit in Southeast Asia, the grandmother took pity on him and hand prepared him chicken strips so he wouldn't go hungry.  Another man refused to eat at the night market and instead made his way down the street to Pizza Hut each evening.  Both missed opportunities to build relationships with people in the most natural way possible, over a meal.
In my travels, I've eaten foods that were amazing and others that did not agree with me.  It didn't matter because it wasn't about the food, it was about the people.  The food was just a connector.  This was brought back to mind this week when an Indian student's mother found out I had lived in parts of Asia.  She made me a plate of flat bread and green curry sauce that was to die for.  That simple gesture was a reflection of the relationship I am building with her family.

I could write all night about food, what does it have to do with education?  Lots.  As educators, we have to be willing to step into our student's and families world in order to build relationships with them.  Maybe that won't be through food, but instead finding out what they enjoy and then doing it with them.  It may mean finding out which kids are on the little league team and then going and sitting in the stands watching them.  It may mean finding out their favorite game and playing with them.  When parents visit the school, we can find out their interests and spend time talking with them about it. When we are out shopping or in the community, take the time to visit with parents and their kids.  If you are invited to their home, accept the invitation.  Whatever we do, we must find a way to connect that is honoring to the other person and use that to build a relationship.  The means is not what is important.  The relationship is.  In my case, I just hope it involves food.

The "bad" kids?

Recently, during a training on stages of behavior, a teacher commented to the group that the kids she  was about to work with in ISS were "bad."  She went to on to tell how they just didn't care how they acted and there was not much she could do about it. The trainer moved on after this and I didn't get to talk with her as she left quickly.  Maybe that opportunity will arise later.  If I I ever do have that chance, here is what I would say:

"I understand where you are coming from.  At one time, I thought the same thing.  I believed that there were the good kids who rarely got into trouble, the kids who were annoying but not to the point of disruption, and then there were the "bad" kids.  I always hated to see those kids in my class because I thought they just didn't care.  Over time and lots of experience, though, I learned that none of that is true.  The kids who are acting out care just as much as the ones who behave all the time.  Their acting out is simply a cry for help, a way to say "I'm having problems but I don't know how to express this any other way."  These kids need caring adults who are willing to take the time to recognize their cries for help, build relationships with them, and then teach them ways to respond appropriately.    They need people who are willing to see beyond their behavior to the person underneath.  Until that happens, nothing will change.  In the role you are in now, you have many opportunities to be that person."

As an administrator, I spend countless hours just listening to kids who are sent to me because they have been disrupting class.  I see this not as an opportunity for punishment, but as a chance to hear their side of the story and then teach and practice different ways to act in the same situation.  Are there consequences when a student has been behaving inappropriately? Of course, because in life there are always consequences.  I just try to focus on natural consequences whenever possible.

It is funny how time and experience change our perceptions.  For me, it was the difference I saw in  kids after they left junior high and entered high school.  They matured and began to make better choices.  Many of the so called "bad" kids that I had as students earlier in my career are now successful adults. In fact, I have had a number apologize to me for their behavior.  Now that I am on the primary campus, I have many of my former students children.  I see them working hard to be good parents and am thankful that I and my colleagues didn't give up on them so many years ago.

As a primary school administrator, I have the opportunity to help kids develop the skills they need to be successful in the years to come.  I can think of no greater blessing than being able to see these children in junior high and beyond making great choices because they learned how when they were in kindergarten and first grade.

But, I've strayed from my point a bit.  So, to reiterate, every child wants to be successful. None really want to be the "bad" kid.  As educators, we must do everything we can to help all kids learn the skills they need to be productive citizens. When they make bad choices (everybody does), we need to resist the urge to label them and instead take the time to listen and be there to guide them along.  In doing so, we will help them become the best they can be.

Magic Words

The Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."  As educators, we need to take this to heart and choose our words carefully, as they can either exacerbate or diffuse a situation.  Through the years, I've learned several words and phrases that seem to work like magic in dealing with others.  There is nothing special about any of these, but when spoken with sincerity can change a situation for the better.  Below are several these "magic words."  Try them and see what happens.

1) "Now..." - Have you ever watched a child's face when you say something like, "You did steps 1 to 3 exactly right, BUT you didn't do step 4."  It almost seems to suck the life out of them.  It is though you are saying, "You did good, just not good enough."  Imagine replacing that "but" or "however" with "Now."  "You did steps 1 to 4 exactly right, NOW start on step 4." For whatever reason, that one word "Now" seems to turn a negative into a positive.  When I first learned this, I decided to test it.  On the tough kids.  In detention, no less.  Every day, I assigned a reflective writing prompt.  The kids would write a sentence and then balk.  One day, I told a boy, after he written a single sentence, "That is a great start, now write about what you do next."  To my amazement, he did.  He wrote two more sentences.  I repeated this several times until he had a page written. Then, after looking at the page, I said, "Now, read it again and underline any corrections you need to make or anything that doesn't really make sense."  He did.  This continued until he had written a very strong reflection.

2) "I'm sorry that happened." -  These four words have changed the way I address people when they bring problems my way.  Anytime someone comes to me with a problem situation, my first words are "I'm sorry that happened."  And I am.  It may be that I empathize with the person. It could also be because this problem brought an irate person into my otherwise peaceful day.  Either way, these four words, said with conviction, will reduce tension and help bring the person to your side.

3) "How can I help?" - When people know that you are really listening to their concerns and are willing to invest in them, they are much more willing to work with you.  I use these magic words when people bring a real concern to me, as compared to a string of complaints.

4)  What do you think?  - Asking for people's opinion or advice let's them know you think they are important.  It may also lead to a better solution to a problem.

5) "We..." - There is strength in working together with others. When you use the word "I," the focus is on you.  When you use the word "we," the focus is on all of us.

6) "Your child... " - Many educators use the term, "your student" when talking to parents about their kids.  For whatever reason, that sounds impersonal.  "Your child," however, brings it closer to home.  It also lets parents know that you see their child as more than just a name on a roll sheet and seems to open a door to more effective communication.

7)  "Can/will you help me?" - I don't know about you, but when someone seeks out my help, I am flattered.  It is a self-esteem builder and a great ego booster.  It also shows that you can't do everything and need others to be successful.

One word of caution:  While the words and phrases above are useful in working with others, they must be used with a tone of caring.  If not, they will come across as insincere and often hurtful.

What "magic words" do you use?  Please feel free to add them in the comments.

Perspective is everything

A few weeks back, we had a fundraiser kickoff where a salesman came and spoke to all of our kindergarten students as a group. The kids came in, sat on the cafeteria floor, and listened and laughed during the presentation.  They oohed and aahed at the prizes being offered and played along with the salesman's antics.  When he asked for quiet, however, several continued talking with their friends and teachers had to intervene. This disturbed me because I know our kids can do better and we had been practicing how to behave when we have guests.  I was shocked when, as the salesman was packing up, he told me this was the best kindergarten group he had worked with in a long time.  When I pressed him for details, he shared that he usually spends most of his time just getting kindergartners quiet, especially after the exciting parts of the program.  Our kids, he told me, were excited at the right times, but got focused when they needed to.  Being that this is my first year with kinder, his perspective helped me see that our students may be doing better than I realize.  (By the way, 1st Grade was marvelous at the next presentation.)

This is not the first time this has happened.  In my first year as an administrator, I was put in charge of the cafeteria where we had to feed close to 800 students in three 30 minute shifts.  We had a system in place, but I never felt that it was the best it could be.  To me, there was too much movement, especially as we were cleaning up, and the room was often too loud for my taste.  One week, we had a substitute custodian who rotated among districts.  About the middle of the week, he approached me to tell me how much he enjoyed working in our cafeteria.  I thought, "Good gracious, why?" In his perspective, this was one of the most organized school cafeterias he had ever been in.  "In most places I work, the kids are constantly getting up, are turned around talking, and they usually leave a mess.  Your kids don't get up until it's time to put up and they clean up after themselves. It makes my job easier."  After that day, I started to view the cafeteria a little differently.

When we are in the middle of a situation, our perspective can become skewed, often towards the negative.  Sometimes, it takes the perspective of an outsider to shed light on the positives that are all around us.  Does this mean that we should stop trying to improve?  Of course not.  It does mean, however, that we need to invite other perspectives and allow ourselves to celebrate the positives while working hard to reduce or eliminate the negatives.

(By the way, this can also work in the opposite direction, when we think things are going great, but others do not have the same perspective.  We need to listen and learn in both cases.)

The importance of Persistence

I was visiting my mother's house over the holidays when she mentioned that her water heater needed to be drained.  Being the dutiful son that I am, I took the hint and proceeded to the task.  Draining the heater was easy.  Getting it re-lit was not.  For what seemed like an eternity, I attempted to light the pilot with no success.  The operating instructions were followed to a tee and the manufacturer was called, but with no success.  After consulting the internet, I realized I needed to use a mirror to see if the unit was sparking.  It was.  Hope was in the air.  After over an hour, a flame finally appeared.  The directions said to hold the gas down for one minute.  I let go at 55 seconds.  The flame extinguished.  More attempts were made and finally another flame appeared.  It went out as well after I was startled and again released the gas early.  Finally, after another 10 minutes, another flame was created and this time, not willing to suffer defeat again, I held the gas down for a full 90 seconds.  The pilot flame remained on and I was able to start the heater once again.

Throughout this experience, I was tempted multiple times give up and call a serviceman to come and light the heater for me.  Yet, I knew I was following the instructions exactly as written and was determined to get the heater lit.  Thankfully, persistence paid off.  

After this experience, I began to ponder how, as educators, it is so easy to give up when persistence and tenacity can eventually bring positive results.  Working with people, both children and adults, requires that we stick with the task, adjusting as needed, until we see the desired results.  While reflecting, I identified three areas where persistence can eventually provide positive results:   

Student behavior plans:  Behavioral changes take time and effort.  There is rarely a quick fix, especially for deep-seated issues.   In many cases, it will take six weeks or more for a behavior plan to be effective.  In fact, often very little change is seen early on.  It is in these early stages that we are most likely to give up.  Doing so can prove detrimental to lasting results.  A prime example occurred recently when I helped a teacher develop a behavior plan for a child who was acting out every day, often causing a complete shut down of learning in the room.  We developed a behavior chart that she would complete and discuss with the child each day, while at the same time encouraging the student and avoiding any unnecessary triggers.  For the first three weeks, it was a daily struggle and I had to encourage this teacher to just keep plugging away.  After three weeks, we started seeing some positive results.  The number of negative behaviors started slowly dropping and positive behaviors began to increase.  We still kept at it, refusing to lose the positive ground we had gained.  Each successive day brought more positive results.  Finally, after about 9 weeks, you would not have realized that this child was ever on a behavior plan. However, had we stopped at any time during this process, we would not have seen the results we received.  

Lessons: How many times have you had a lesson that you just knew was going to be great and it flopped?  When I was in the classroom, this happened more times than I can remember.  It was so tempting to throw the whole thing out and start from scratch.  However, usually I discovered after reflecting on the lesson, that it just needed a little adjusting and it would work as planned.  As a Science teacher, this happened multiple times with lab experiences.  The first time we would do a new lab, it would be a disaster.  The students would make multiple mistakes on the lab instructions, end up not understanding the concept, and both of us would be frustrated.  I learned over time, however, that the best thing to do in these cases was to just do the lab again the next day.  The first time I tried this I was amazed at how the students not only followed the instructions more accurately, but they also learned the concept at a much deeper level.  

Professional Development: So many times, schools and districts approach professional development as a one-off event and then wonder why they are not seeing the new learning being applied consistently.  To be effective, PD should be a persistent effort involving initial training followed by time for application and reflection.  More training should follow with time again allowed for application and reflection,  This process should be followed until the learning becomes second nature. Without this persistence, the initial training becomes, for the most part, a waste of time.  

In education, as with water heaters, persistence is key. We cannot afford to give up before we see the results that we need, especially when we realize that we are affecting the lives of children, possibly for years to come.  

I would love to hear of other examples of persistence in education.  Feel free to comment. 

People are watching!!!

This is a message to all educators out there:  People are watching!!!!  They see the things you do when you think no one is looking.  The things you would never talk about are being voiced.  The things you would like to stay secret are being shared.

People are watching and they see what you are doing.  They are watching when you take your personal time to attend a child's sporting event.  They notice when you spend those extra hours to tutor that struggling child when you could be home instead.  People see that you keep food in that little drawer in your room so that no child ever has to feel hungry.  They are looking when you spend your own money to buy a child a pair of shoes because theirs are falling apart.  

People are watching.  They know when you quietly take up a collection and then bring children clothes shopping at a "real" store for the first time in their lives.  They quietly applaud when you take a Saturday to chaperone a field trip.  They are looking when you show up at the school dance and make a fool of yourself on the dance floor.  

People are watching and they notice.  They know the times that you spend over an hour listening to a parent who just needs to talk.  People see when you wink and wave at that child in the grocery store (and make their day).  People notice when you point out the good in a child when you could have focused on the negatives.  

Educators, people are watching you.  They see what you do every day to positively impact the lives of children and they notice.  Most will never say a word about it to you, but they will talk to others.  They do notice and so many quietly applaud what you do every day.  You should too.