Choices

"You can eat all of that food or you can go to your room, young lady."

 Which would you choose?

"You can get to that office now or I can call your mother." Hmm, decisions, decisions.

In either case, there is not much of a choice given.

"You better decide now or it's not going to be pretty around here."

Sadly, these are the kinds of options that kids, particularly those with behavior issues already, face every day.  No matter how they choose, they lose. There is no positive choice.

But what if we changed these scenarios.

"You have a choice. You can eat your beans first or your potatoes first. Which do you choose?"  

"It's time to go to the office. You have a choice. You can walk with me or you can walk ahead.  Which do you choose?"  

At this point, either keep eating or start walking and let them make a choice.  They now have two positive options, both of which get the result the adult was looking for in the first place.

Offering two positive choices give kids a chance to practice decision making and have some control over the situation.  It also allows the adult to focus on the positive response they wanted from the beginning while teaching the child the skill of decision making. For this to work, however, two things must happen. First, you have to give the child some time to make a choice.  This may take some time. Be patient.  If they don't choose, repeat the choices without sounding angry. Second, both choices have to be positive for the child.  If one is positive and one is negative or both are negative, it comes across a threat.

So, let's revisit the above situations. You've just given the child a choice between eating their beans or potatoes first. After a few moments, they start eating their beans.  At this point, it is time to notice them and reinforce their decision.

You chose to eat your beans first.   

In the second scenario, the child goes ahead of you and makes it to office before you arrive. As soon as you get there, acknowledge their choice: You chose to walk ahead of me.  

While it may seem simple, giving two positive choices can alleviate many of the power struggles that adults face with kids every day.  Also, if a student is upset, it can help them become calm by giving them options and some control over those options.

Are two positive choices always necessary?  Of course not.  If a student is following directions, then there may be no need for choices.  If a student is in a fight or flight state and unable to make a choice, then an assertive command will be necessary.  In case of an emergency, choices could be dangerous.  For example, during a fire, the only choice is to get out of the building through the safest route possible.

Giving two positive choices is a powerful tool in our arsenal to use to avoid power struggles and teach kids to develop decision making.

For a more thorough discussion of the concept of choices, watch the video below from Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline series.

The Great Connector

This subject of this post has nothing to do with being an educator.  At the same time, it has everything to do with it.  This post is about food.  Namely, the connecting power of food.  Since 1998, I've either visited or lived in 10 countries outside of the United States.  In most of these, I had the chance to spend time with local families, often in their homes.  I also observed lots of westerners, particularly Americans, during these visits.  Most of these travelers stayed at 5 star hotels and ate at the best restaurants.  In contrast, my wife and I stayed in homes or cheap hotel rooms near the city centre and usually ate with families or in the local eating spots, particularly night markets.

It makes a difference. If you are just in a place to sightsee, eat wherever you like. If you want to connect with people, eat with them and, even more importantly, eat what they eat.  I can't count the relationships that I have made with people simply because I was willing to sit in their home and eat what they had cooked.  It was always amusing to see people grin and comment about how you really liked their food. It was honoring to them, just as it is honoring to have a guests eat at my own home.  It brings joy to both the giver and receiver.

For many people, eating unknown food is scary.  I've seen people who were literally afraid to eat what others had carefully prepared.  One fellow who traveled with us for a time loaded his suitcase with beef jerky so he didn't have to eat local food.  On a home visit in Southeast Asia, the grandmother took pity on him and hand prepared him chicken strips so he wouldn't go hungry.  Another man refused to eat at the night market and instead made his way down the street to Pizza Hut each evening.  Both missed opportunities to build relationships with people in the most natural way possible, over a meal.
In my travels, I've eaten foods that were amazing and others that did not agree with me.  It didn't matter because it wasn't about the food, it was about the people.  The food was just a connector.  This was brought back to mind this week when an Indian student's mother found out I had lived in parts of Asia.  She made me a plate of flat bread and green curry sauce that was to die for.  That simple gesture was a reflection of the relationship I am building with her family.

I could write all night about food, what does it have to do with education?  Lots.  As educators, we have to be willing to step into our student's and families world in order to build relationships with them.  Maybe that won't be through food, but instead finding out what they enjoy and then doing it with them.  It may mean finding out which kids are on the little league team and then going and sitting in the stands watching them.  It may mean finding out their favorite game and playing with them.  When parents visit the school, we can find out their interests and spend time talking with them about it. When we are out shopping or in the community, take the time to visit with parents and their kids.  If you are invited to their home, accept the invitation.  Whatever we do, we must find a way to connect that is honoring to the other person and use that to build a relationship.  The means is not what is important.  The relationship is.  In my case, I just hope it involves food.

Magic Words

The Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."  As educators, we need to take this to heart and choose our words carefully, as they can either exacerbate or diffuse a situation.  Through the years, I've learned several words and phrases that seem to work like magic in dealing with others.  There is nothing special about any of these, but when spoken with sincerity can change a situation for the better.  Below are several these "magic words."  Try them and see what happens.

1) "Now..." - Have you ever watched a child's face when you say something like, "You did steps 1 to 3 exactly right, BUT you didn't do step 4."  It almost seems to suck the life out of them.  It is though you are saying, "You did good, just not good enough."  Imagine replacing that "but" or "however" with "Now."  "You did steps 1 to 4 exactly right, NOW start on step 4." For whatever reason, that one word "Now" seems to turn a negative into a positive.  When I first learned this, I decided to test it.  On the tough kids.  In detention, no less.  Every day, I assigned a reflective writing prompt.  The kids would write a sentence and then balk.  One day, I told a boy, after he written a single sentence, "That is a great start, now write about what you do next."  To my amazement, he did.  He wrote two more sentences.  I repeated this several times until he had a page written. Then, after looking at the page, I said, "Now, read it again and underline any corrections you need to make or anything that doesn't really make sense."  He did.  This continued until he had written a very strong reflection.

2) "I'm sorry that happened." -  These four words have changed the way I address people when they bring problems my way.  Anytime someone comes to me with a problem situation, my first words are "I'm sorry that happened."  And I am.  It may be that I empathize with the person. It could also be because this problem brought an irate person into my otherwise peaceful day.  Either way, these four words, said with conviction, will reduce tension and help bring the person to your side.

3) "How can I help?" - When people know that you are really listening to their concerns and are willing to invest in them, they are much more willing to work with you.  I use these magic words when people bring a real concern to me, as compared to a string of complaints.

4)  What do you think?  - Asking for people's opinion or advice let's them know you think they are important.  It may also lead to a better solution to a problem.

5) "We..." - There is strength in working together with others. When you use the word "I," the focus is on you.  When you use the word "we," the focus is on all of us.

6) "Your child... " - Many educators use the term, "your student" when talking to parents about their kids.  For whatever reason, that sounds impersonal.  "Your child," however, brings it closer to home.  It also lets parents know that you see their child as more than just a name on a roll sheet and seems to open a door to more effective communication.

7)  "Can/will you help me?" - I don't know about you, but when someone seeks out my help, I am flattered.  It is a self-esteem builder and a great ego booster.  It also shows that you can't do everything and need others to be successful.

One word of caution:  While the words and phrases above are useful in working with others, they must be used with a tone of caring.  If not, they will come across as insincere and often hurtful.

What "magic words" do you use?  Please feel free to add them in the comments.