Magic Words

The Bible, in Proverbs 18:21, says "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."  As educators, we need to take this to heart and choose our words carefully, as they can either exacerbate or diffuse a situation.  Through the years, I've learned several words and phrases that seem to work like magic in dealing with others.  There is nothing special about any of these, but when spoken with sincerity can change a situation for the better.  Below are several these "magic words."  Try them and see what happens.

1) "Now..." - Have you ever watched a child's face when you say something like, "You did steps 1 to 3 exactly right, BUT you didn't do step 4."  It almost seems to suck the life out of them.  It is though you are saying, "You did good, just not good enough."  Imagine replacing that "but" or "however" with "Now."  "You did steps 1 to 4 exactly right, NOW start on step 4." For whatever reason, that one word "Now" seems to turn a negative into a positive.  When I first learned this, I decided to test it.  On the tough kids.  In detention, no less.  Every day, I assigned a reflective writing prompt.  The kids would write a sentence and then balk.  One day, I told a boy, after he written a single sentence, "That is a great start, now write about what you do next."  To my amazement, he did.  He wrote two more sentences.  I repeated this several times until he had a page written. Then, after looking at the page, I said, "Now, read it again and underline any corrections you need to make or anything that doesn't really make sense."  He did.  This continued until he had written a very strong reflection.

2) "I'm sorry that happened." -  These four words have changed the way I address people when they bring problems my way.  Anytime someone comes to me with a problem situation, my first words are "I'm sorry that happened."  And I am.  It may be that I empathize with the person. It could also be because this problem brought an irate person into my otherwise peaceful day.  Either way, these four words, said with conviction, will reduce tension and help bring the person to your side.

3) "How can I help?" - When people know that you are really listening to their concerns and are willing to invest in them, they are much more willing to work with you.  I use these magic words when people bring a real concern to me, as compared to a string of complaints.

4)  What do you think?  - Asking for people's opinion or advice let's them know you think they are important.  It may also lead to a better solution to a problem.

5) "We..." - There is strength in working together with others. When you use the word "I," the focus is on you.  When you use the word "we," the focus is on all of us.

6) "Your child... " - Many educators use the term, "your student" when talking to parents about their kids.  For whatever reason, that sounds impersonal.  "Your child," however, brings it closer to home.  It also lets parents know that you see their child as more than just a name on a roll sheet and seems to open a door to more effective communication.

7)  "Can/will you help me?" - I don't know about you, but when someone seeks out my help, I am flattered.  It is a self-esteem builder and a great ego booster.  It also shows that you can't do everything and need others to be successful.

One word of caution:  While the words and phrases above are useful in working with others, they must be used with a tone of caring.  If not, they will come across as insincere and often hurtful.

What "magic words" do you use?  Please feel free to add them in the comments.

On being the only man on campus

This year, I took a position at a Primary campus where I am the only man on the staff.  I'm also the first male administrator the campus has had since the 1990's.  It has been a wonderful as well as eye-opening experience.  Being the only man means that I get called on to take care of situations that the female staff are uncomfortable with.  This means everything from teaching boys how to lift a toilet seat to chasing away stray dogs and talking down angry parents.

For many of the children on our campus, there is no positive male influence in their lives.  They are raised by mothers or grandmothers and a father or father-figure is simply not in the picture.  While I can never replace those men, I hope that my presence and influence will make a difference in their lives.  This was brought to my attention this week while talking with a single mother about some personal issues I was helping her son with.  Her words hit me like a hammer.  "Mr. Quarles, his dad died two years ago and he doesn't have anyone to help him learn how to act like a man." "I try," she said, "but it's not the same. Thank you."  It was after this conversation that I realized this is a calling and I am on this campus for a reason.

Knowing I was to be the only man on campus, I knew I needed some help.  So, my first request was to start WatchD.O.G.S.   At our kickoff, we had over 100 men show up and so far we've had 27 serve at least one day on campus.  Most have been here multiple days.  Their presence makes my job so much easier and it greatly impacts both the teachers and the students.  Children who say they don't like to read will gladly volunteer to read to a WatchDOGS 'dad.' Teachers say their presence and involvement helps kids stay on task. When they are on campus, the number of discipline problems drops.  It just amazes me what the presence of a positive male role model can do for kids.

Throughout this year, I have been thoroughly blessed to work with teachers who are caring, nurturing, and knowledgeable about teaching primary school students.  I am also learning from a principal who has forgotten more about running a primary school than I'll ever know.  Still, at least once a week, someone comes up to me to say how thankful they are to have a man on campus.  It could have been any man.  I am so blessed it is me!

Happy socks (or Why so serious?)

This Christmas, my wife gave me three pairs of Happy Socks.  If you are not familiar with Happy Socks (I wasn't), they are dress socks with a unique and creative twist. Below are some examples.

At first, I was hesitant to wear them, but after a few days warmed to the idea.  I mean, who would see them anyway?  They're socks. 

The first day I wore them, I had on a neatly pressed pair of slacks, laundered shirt, tie, and newly shined shoes. Typical professional dress for a school administrator.  Then, as I sat in a meeting, I crossed my legs and saw my Happy Socks. As I thought about how silly they looked, it hit me.  

I tend to take myself way too seriously.  And, when I do that, it saps my joy. 

Please understand.  I take my position as a school administrator very seriously.  My decisions and actions affect students, teachers, staff, parents, and the community along with the overall school culture.   I don't take that lightly.  

But, I can take myself lightly.  I can laugh at myself and laugh with others.  I can make mistakes and not be so hard on myself when I do.  I can look foolish if it will help a child learn.  I can be positive and upbeat no matter what situation I face.  I can make others feel more important than myself.  I don't have to take myself so seriously.

Now, I try to wear my Happy Socks as often as I can.  They serve as a reminder that, although I need to take what I do very seriously, I don't always need to take myself that way.

My best thinking

Years ago, I had a principal whose favorite saying was, "Other people do my best thinking for me."  Today, I put that mantra to the test. When faced with some important decisions,  I spent time trying to come up with my own solutions. I quickly realized that others in the building had better insights than I did.  So, I asked for their help.  They were happy to assist and because they've worked there longer, their ideas were often practical and easy to implement.  While what I was considering would have done the job, these fresh ideas were right on target and caused things to go much smoother than they would have otherwise.  In some cases, it actually placed more work on the other person, but they were willing to accept that as it was part of their solution. 

As a leader,  I have to remember that I don't know it all.  I am surrounded by a team of people who see things in ways I don't.  We depend on each other for help and support.  What happens when their ideas work well?  I give them credit.  What if their idea flops?  I take full credit.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Ultimately, I am responsible for the final result of my decisions.  I accept that. But, I don't have to be responsible for coming up with all the solutions.  If I'm going to be effective, I have to be willing to seek out and listen to others and, in some cases, let them do my best thinking for me.